Thursday, April 27, 2017

A la carte

"Can I help you?"
"Yes, I'd like one religion, please."
"Certainly. Monotheistic, polytheistic or atheistic?"
"Erm... I dunno. Atheistic I suppose. I wouldn't like to to spoil my Big Bang."
"One atheistic religion. Sense of community with that?"
"Community?"
"Belonging."
"Ooh, yes. Lots of belonging. I like belonging."
"Morality?"
"I beg your pardon."
"How deontological would you like your religion? Rare, medium or sharia?"
"Oh, rare please. I already have my own morality."
"So that's one atheistic religion, with belonging, rare... Side order?"
"What have you got?"
"Ritual, dogma, oppressive sense of guilt, self-righteousness, patriarchy, steeple hats, mystical visions, Sistine chapel. slaughter of innocents.... no, slaughter of innocents is off the menu today. Fresh out of innocents until next week."
"Oh, I think I'll have some oppressive sense of guilt. I always fancied myself as a Graham Greene character."
"Can I tempt you with some ritual?" (lowers voice) "...Incense?" (looks round conspiratorially) "Organ music?"
"Well, I shouldn't really, doctor's order you know, but you talked me into it.  After all, you only live once."
"You're sure about that?"
"What?"
"You don't want an afterlife?"
"Hell, no. One life's enough for me. More would be greedy."
"Fine. One religion, no afterlife, no gods, lots of belonging, rare... Would you like an extra helping of incense, only 79 cents more?"
"Go on then."
"Cash or credit card?"

 ... If only it were that easy.

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